an open letter to the random old man i passed on the street-corner one morning

Dear random old man I passed on the street-corner one morning,

The morning began like many others: I woke up, ruing the three glasses of wine and four gin and sodas I’d consumed the night before, not to mention the chicken nuggets I’d subsequently drunkenly shame-eaten in my bed. The empty ripped-apart McDonald’s bag lay on the floor, eliciting as much regret as a used condom beside a college girl’s bed the morning after a questionable Tinder date. I pulled myself together best I could and mentally prepared myself for the long day of peddling mediocre vegan food that lay ahead.

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an open letter to the human embodiment of a yeast infection

Dear human embodiment of a yeast infection,

Coming home after a long day at work to a party that isn’t yours is rarely ideal, and this particular Friday evening was no exception.  I arrived home from my shift selling mediocre vegan food to find my house filled with strangers.  I’d had enough interacting with strangers for one evening, so I promptly shut myself in my bedroom, ready to enjoy a wild night of folding laundry.

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an open letter to a Nice Guy™

Dear Nice Guy™,

So, there you were, swiping along on Tinder, when you came across a pretty girl.  Let’s call her Betty.  You checked out her profile, and she seemed like a cool gal, so you gave her a right swipe.  Lo and behold, a match!

After chatting some, you and Betty decided to meet up.  Low-pressure; a casual dinner date.  You talked, you laughed, you had a nice time.  The date ended, I’m sure you felt, on a positive note. Betty came home and recounted the date – her first Tinder meet-up, in fact.  She’d been quite nervous beforehand, considering “Don’t meet up with strangers from the Internet” is basically the first lesson you learn in Not Being Kidnapped 101.  She said you were very nice and had enough in common to keep the conversation flowing, but that she didn’t really feel any sort of “spark”.  Overall, though, a positive Tinder experience, considering she hadn’t been murdered.Read More »

an open letter to the absolutely fantastic troll who visited my blog the other day

Dear troll who visited my blog the other day,

I understand that in writing this post, I am engaging with you, which is the exact opposite of how you’re supposed to deal with trolls.  However, I don’t feel like you’re a “personal” troll.  You seem more the type who peruses tags of subjects you like to troll about, where you commit your troll-y acts as you see fit, and then move on to other troll opportunities.  Thus, I am fairly confident that you will never visit again and won’t ever read these words.  Unless, in a plot twist, you actually found the post through my Facebook, meaning that I have unwittingly been Facebook friends with an anti-feminist troll for an indeterminate amount of time.  If this is the case, please feel free to delete me from your friends list at the earliest opportunity.Read More »

an open letter to my dental hygienist

Dear my dental hygienist (sorry, I don’t have anything better to call you),

I’m not going to lie; as it stands, I already really hate coming to the dentist.  Well, I doubt anyone really enjoys the dentist, but for me, it’s like a torture chamber.  I have this thing about metal against my teeth, like a nails-on-chalkboard cringe-y feeling (I avoid biting my forks and spoons for this very reason), so I’m sure you can understand my distaste.  Also, I apparently have really weak enamel (I’m a very diligent brusher, promise!), because every time I come to the dentist, y’all are like, “You have 300,000 cavities!  Guess you might as well move in here for the next few weeks while we freeze your mouth and drill your teeth out of your head!”

Anyway.  I should get to the point of this letter, which has little to do with my predisposed dislike for those in the dental profession.Read More »

an open letter to the girl who sat behind me in lecture last week

Dear girl who sat behind me in 18th Century Literature and Culture,

I don’t know you, and you don’t know me. Well, it’s possible you at least know who I am, and think I am an annoying keener, because I tend to participate in class discussion frequently, unlike you and your band of sniggering gossip girls. I don’t usually sit in that spot, but when some dude who never comes to class decided to take my usual seat, I was forced to choose somewhere else. That is how I came to be in front of you.Read More »